xpectations

I know the blog title is a fail.
I don't know how to respond.
I've read a book that I think is very very good. Disturbing, heartbreaking, thought provoking.
It seemed real, I was wrapped up in the world it projected.
I didn't enjoy reading it.
I was on edge.
It was 1984 and Lord of the Flies and like those books and films and ergh.
My brain cannot function yet.
I want to do something else and I can hear Hazel playing her uke and it's so happy.
I could play Portal but the way GLaDOS controls Chell is too close to comfort right now.
I could watch South Park but the cheery colours and their unrelentingly bad taste plots would grate on me, make me cringe and it would all seem so trivial.
I could go downstairs and try to lose myself in some old Glee episodes like I did at lunch and tea (my only breaks from reading) but that would also seem nonsensical.
I could watch a film. I could work on my currency. I could catch up on daily drawings I have been too lazy or tired or busy to do (there are only 2 old ones missing from Edinburgh, promise). I could listen to music so loud that I drift into the past. (This morning I sang so loud to Transvestite by the Shooter Whores - a band that were integral to my life from 13-16).
There is a small niggle inside me that means every time James' internet crashes I feel just a little bit like it's a conspiracy. I don't think I'll feel entirely right until I've let James read the book. Until I've read some other fiction.
I don't know.

Going to tumblr to look at pretty, nerdy pictures. Going to sit in silence except for Haze's uke, going to wait  until it sinks in, until my stomach settles. Going to sleep it off and wake up in the morning and get on with life.

from Liz.